ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.