me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.
With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?