I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.