Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My Plans 2020
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Buck naked
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.