HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.