I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
This is a sub tweet
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe