@GoodZiIIa

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

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@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on

@serendipitydon1

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

@badbanana

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

@jackiembouvier

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.