me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.