Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?