@elle91

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

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@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@sineadaloftus

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@zachreinert03

Slasher films are so unrealistic. Anyone could out run a guy walking with a chainsaw. That’s why I train running with a chainsaw.

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911