[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out