To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”