Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.