ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.