@TheToddWilliams

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

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@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

@bIondiewasabi

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

@thesulk

When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@GrantTanaka

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier