Hannah is single for a reason
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
What about a To-Don’t List?