Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.