Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain