Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.