ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

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[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*


Me: I am not here to make friends.


Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute


there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial


an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin


[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO


Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.