@mynameisntdave

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

@pixelatedboat

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@FredTaming

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

@isabelzawtun

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

@lecalabara

Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.