Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!