Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
WTF
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Can Happiness buy money?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.