Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
R.I.P.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out