@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

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@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

@Brentweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

@djdarrellripley

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

@JohnLyonTweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

@BobTheSuit

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

@Trudacious

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

@KevinFarzad

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

@GrantTanaka

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me