Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.