I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: How are you?
Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
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Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom
‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.
Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.