@_davidlucas_

Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@johngaysee

If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@stpeteyontweety

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

@SaltyCorpse

16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.