In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.