ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk