ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You Might Also Like
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
good let them take over I have had enough
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Tell the colonel to bring it
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Breaking news:
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money