Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.