Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: how are you?
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken
I JUST ASKED SIRI IF A CERTAIN BOY WOULD EVER TEXT ME AND SHE SENT A TEXT SAYING WILL YOU EVER TEXT ME TO HIM. My funeral will be held at 8pm this Thursday.
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.