Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.


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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.


I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa


“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid


I’m not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I’m just saying that innocent people don’t write songs to defend themselves.


Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.


Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.


17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol


Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE


Jellyfish are PEACEFUL


Octopi are VERY SMART