Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Happens to everyone.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me