My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On