@theshantilly

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

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@ericsshadow

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

@Garbage404

Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

@gneicco

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@rmfnord

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On