me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I feel seen
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.