Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

You Might Also Like


*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*


20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed


Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.


It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.


WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something


If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks