@T_Bonezzz_

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

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@schumoo

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

@shopkins776

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

@fookmusic

Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@katy_fit

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@CrockettForReal

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks