*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Gas is like $40/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks