Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me