@1followernodad

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

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@stockejock

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@leapeajo

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

@adamjest

My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window

@Browtweaten

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@Love_bug1016

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no