me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.