Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope