@DavidAdt1
@3sunzzz
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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@3sunzzz
@dmc1138
I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.
@joejwest
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
@fanofhell
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
@iinkedZombie
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
@8bitf0x
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
@TheHyyyype
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
@whatmaddness
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
@spacewizard_t
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
@Jake_Vig
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.