Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.