me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Some of y’all tomorrow …