You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE