@Browtweaten

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

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@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@dlockw21

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

@shimmala

My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.

@notmythirdrodeo

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

@ItsAndyRyan

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE