me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
giddy up Office Depot
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.