– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*