me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
I love wikipedia
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.