@ArfMeasures

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

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@SamuelHLowe

– What do you do to relax?
– I enjoy people watching.
– The most relaxing thing for me is singing in the shower.
– I know.

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@GrillinChillin9

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

@notviking

“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.

@redditships

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

@IamEveryDayPpl

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@prufrockluvsong

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

@Darlainky

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*