@ArfMeasures

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

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@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@TheTweetOfGod

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

@Parkerlawyer

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

@notthat_1

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

@Shen_the_Bird

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@TheAlexNevil

When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.