Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!