ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me in tagged photos
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?