@MarfSalvador

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

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@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@ch000ch

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

@gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

@dlicj

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@Brampersandon_

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

@twt_malaysia

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.