@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

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@TDeeRock

You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.

@the_gramble

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@neonwario

Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

@sonictyrant

GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat

@envydatropic

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

@AristotlesNZ

Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid!

LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in!

-Adult Websites

@BadassBarbie11

Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.

@SentenceReduced

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.