Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

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You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.


Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot


“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”


Ah yes. I’ve linked my Twitter to my WordPress, and my LinkedIn to Klout. Now it’s time to interface my Acura ILX with a giant redwood


GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.


GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat


Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.


Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid!

LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in!

-Adult Websites


Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.


I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.