@OrdinaryAlso

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

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@TheAlexP

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

@HatfieldAnne

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@ikpsgill1

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

@papasuncle

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@sweetmomissa

“once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

@SondraDeeMe

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.