me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.


Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp


Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.


COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.


DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious


Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.


Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.