me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Very good news from my accountant
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Easy enough.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand