me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You Might Also Like
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.