@TheFakeCNN GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
@tweetsbyrocket me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
{later}
me: [puts bounty on her]
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@TheFakeCNN 
@hazelmotes1 Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.
@Contwixt We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
@TheBoydP A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
@Ygrene [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
@huntigula *Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
@rzarosco Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy
@Dani_Feld Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
@flashember [Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
@BoozeWallet [Mesozoic era]
God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct
Jellyfish: seems fair
Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit