me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted


me: [puts bounty on her]

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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.


Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.


We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.


A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.


[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy


Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.


[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”


[Mesozoic era]

God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct

Jellyfish: seems fair

Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit