@tweetsbyrocket

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: make her feel wanted

{later}

me: [puts bounty on her]

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@KentWGraham

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

@GrantTanaka

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

@imteddybless

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

@Froschauer_AF

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

@

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@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

@simoncholland

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.