@KentWGraham
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
@tweetsbyrocket
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
{later}
me: [puts bounty on her]
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@KentWGraham
@GrantTanaka
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
@imteddybless
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
@KimmyMonte
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
@CArmanthegirl
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
@Froschauer_AF
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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@kumailn
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
@BourbonHabit
I’m single with no kids.
I don’t answer to anyone.
“Meow.”
Okay! I’m opening the can now!
Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!
@simoncholland
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.