GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: make her feel wanted
me: [puts bounty on her]
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Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
God: if u can’t spell ur name you’re going extinct
Jellyfish: seems fair
Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit