me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm