me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience