me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.