Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
You Might Also Like
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?