Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*high fives self*
WELL PLAYED, SIR
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.