Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Had to try this trend 😊
Girl, same.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.