Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I mean…but I did
Lmfao
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too