a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Lmao
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*