@Browtweaten

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

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@SwedishCanary

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@AndyAsAdjective

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@itcorru

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

@Molly_Kats

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@CodyJP9412

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

@Shock_Monster

Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock