Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”


ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.


ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.


I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.


Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off


My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.


You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back


HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.