I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?