@Browtweaten

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

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@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@KarmaPolice238

My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

@_davidlucas_

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

@megfraser

HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn’t finished

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.