Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
We’re all getting idioter.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.