No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉