@WilliamAder

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

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@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@zachheltzel

Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.

@OhioMomoftwo

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

@QwertyJones3

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

@Dank_Pal

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

@pleatedjeans

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉