Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy