me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”


I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.


I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.


My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.


I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back


Grim Reaper: I have come for you

Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it


So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.